Confessions

Lanie:  I did something so brave.

Mom:  Lanie, did you sky dive again?

Lanie:  No, I'm an emotional mature woman.

Mom:  I wouldn't go that far.

Lanie:  I told someone how I feel, well how they make me feel.

Mom:  You can only confess your love to someone when you're in high school.

Lanie:  I didn't do that.  I realized that we only get hurt when we let ourselves get hurt.  You have to be honest and tell people what they do that bothers you in the kindest way possible.

Mom:  Wow.

Lanie:  Yeah.

Mom:  Glad to see 15 years of therapy working...

Lanie:  I think this is what they call a "breakthrough".

Mom:  I dunno, but I think it's great.  And I'm very proud of you.

Drinking at Weddings

Mom:  How was the wedding?

Lanie:  Weddingy.

Mom:  Did you dance with anyone?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom:  Did you drink too much?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom:  I don't understand you and your friends.  You drink with the sole purpose of getting drunk, we never did that.

Lanie:  It's a social lubricant. 

Mom:  So is a nice smile.

Lanie: Mom, head is-

Mom:  I think you should have yours at the synagogue.

Lanie: I'll hold a date in 2014.

Mom:  I'm not rushing you.  Just sayin'.

Lanie:  Okay.  I'm gonna go back to sleep-

Mom:  They can open up the doors at the synagogue to make the social hall bigger and I bet you can fit 350 people.

Lanie: 350?!

Mom:  Small weddings aren't an option in this family.  You have at least 50 cousins.

Lanie: Mom this is a long way away.

Mom:  I am planning two events before I die: my funeral and your wedding.  And both will be damn classy.

  

Something in the Way We Move...

8:08 am. May 6, 2010.

Lanie: Hey. I had an aha moment. I was at this meet-up thing.

Mom: What is a meet-up?

Lanie: A gathering of like minded geeks.

Mom: Oh. Sounds... interesting.

Lanie: It wasn't.

Mom: Oh?

Lanie: All these "media people" claiming they were experts on the interweb... and looking at me like I wasn't part of the .com boom so I must be a fetus.

Mom: Are you speaking English?

Lanie: I'm venting.

Mom: Continue.

Lanie: Like they know best, like they are the end all be all in communication exchange. "I's a columnist. I have a book deal." It sounded like the grown-ups from Peanuts. Waaaaaaaa-waaaaa-waaaa.

Mom: You sound fired up.

Lanie: I am. Then we got onto how I went to Africa and volunteered-

Mom: Oh Lord-

Lanie: And I was saying how I wanted to change the world using media, and they kinda just laughed and one guy actually said, 'I just want to change my little corner of the Upper East Side."

What is wrong with these people?

Mom: Play some Bob Dylan and, have a glass of wine and read some Beat poetry.

Lanie: Way to make fun of me.

Mom: I was being serious.

Lanie: Sure.

Mom: How do you think we made the 60's happen?

Lanie: I dunno. You guy didn't even have computers....

May 2nd. Sunday. 9:38 am.

Reege

Mom: Hi- question?

Lanie: Answer.

Mom: I was watching a morning show-

Lanie: Which one?

Mom: Regis and Kelly-

Lanie: I love them.

Mom: Me too.

Lanie: I bet they would be fun friends.

Mom: Definitely.

Lanie: Do you think Kelly is too skinny?

Mom: No. Lanie, when I called what did I-

Lanie: You said you had a question...

Mom: Oh. Right. Who is this Kristin Cava-something?

Lanie: Blonde?

Mom: Yes, very cute. But, I was confused why is she famous?

Lanie: She just is- she was on reality TV.

Mom: Which show.

Lanie: The Hills, on MTV.

Mom: Oh, she's one of those girls who's famous for being tan, rich and spoiled.

Lanie: Exactly.

A Clooney Type Thing...

8:30 am. Sunday, April 4, 2010.

Lanie: George?

Mom: It's Mom.

Lanie: Wha- hold on. Gimme- a

Mom: Did I wake you up?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: Do you have company, Lanie?

Lanie: Wha- no. Mom. I was asleep. Early.

Mom: You said George.

Lanie: As in Clooney.

Mom: Oh.

Lanie: I was dreaming... we were in Italy- and there was a boat...

Mom: Do you dream about George Clooney often?

Lanie: First time. I met a guy who reminded me of him last night...

Mom: Very nice.

Lanie: Uhhh, Mom he was gorgeous and smart and funny and Jewish and-

Mom: Salt and pepper?

Lanie: Yes! And we were talking and he was charming... and then...

Mom: What?

Lanie: I realized he was closer to your age than mine.

Mom: Oh.

Lanie: Yeah. He was like a real grown up.

Mom: Lane, we've been over this before. You are a grown up too.

Lanie: A real one?

Mom: A real one.

Lanie: Does this mean this guy is a feasible option?

Mom: He's close to my age and never been married?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: You have a better chance with George Clooney.

The Girl Likes to Tap Dance

Monday March 22, 2010. 5:32pm.

Lanie: When did you feel like a grown up?

Mom: What are you talking about?

Lanie: Like when did you feel like... I mean an honest to God adult.

Mom: Who says I do now?

Lanie: Do you?

Mom: I think it's when you had your first dance class and I had just tried a big case, and I left the courthouse at 2:50 was at yout school by 3:13, and you were in dance class in tights by 3:40.

Lanie: I don't remember it being such a rush.

Mom: You don't remember because I was such a great mother.

Lanie: Or because I was 4.

Mom: What's going on? You feeling like a grown up?

Lanie: I dunno. Maybe. Kinda.

Mom: Is this a bad thing?

Lanie: I kinda got sad today. We were talking about college at work. And I was telling all the girls how I used to run around campus in my tap shoes drunk, pretending to be a turtle. I don't do that anymore. So maybe I'm a grown up? It doesn't sound so fun.

Mom: Right of course, because acting responsible with alcohol is terribly, terribly sad.

Lanie: I just miss the tap dancing part...

Hooker Boots

10:00am. Sunday March 14, 2010.

Lanie: I had the most mortifying experience.

Mom: Did you?

Lanie: Mom, I got stuck in my boots.

Mom: The Pretty Woman ones?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: I told you not to-

Lanie: Mom, it's not about the boots.

Mom: Okay.

Lanie: I got home from going out... had a few drinks, a really nice night out with my friends and I came back alone. And I didn't have anyone there to help me with my boots.

Mom: This sounds like a Sarah Jessica Parker show thing...

Lanie: No, it's a Lanie thing. I was hopping around my apartment sweating and cursing. And I stepped on puppy's paw. The whole thing was just horrible and pathetic.

Mom: How'd you get them off?

Lanie: I didn't, they're still on.

Mom: You slept with them on?

Lanie: What choice did I have... I gotta call a friend today. My feet feel like they're triangles now.

Mom: Oh honey, I'm so sorry. Everyone gets stuck in their boots.

Lanie: Really?

Mom: Just most of us have sense to call the doorman for help.

Hooking Up?

5:03 pm. December 29, 2009.

Mom: Lanie.

Lanie: Yes?

Mom: Is hooking-up the same as dating?

Lanie: Uh, really depends on the context.

Mom: Are the terms interchangeable?

Lanie: Not really.

Mom: Can you date and hook-up?

Lanie: You hook-up while dating.

Mom: Can you hook-up and date?

Lanie: Uh, not likely.

Mom: So are you hooking-up or dating?

Lanie: Um-

Mom: Wait- I don't think I want to know the answer.

All is Well

5:30pm. Monday. November 30, 2009.

Lanie: I love my new job. I love New York in the winter. I love my new haircut, and I have a dent.

Mom: A dent?

Lanie: A crush.

Mom: Like on a boy?

Lanie: Yes.

Mom: That's nice.

Lanie: All is well.

Mom: Well. Good.

Lanie: Mom? What's up? Why so distracted?

Mom: Oh, just lots of decisions.

Lanie: Lots of cases?

Mom: Oh no. I've been done for weeks. Your father is getting me scooter.

Lanie: Oh, that's great. I think you'll enjoy that.

Mom: Which is more judicial, red or blue?

Lanie: I don't know. They both seem pretty patriotic.

Mom: Fire engine red, or electric blue.

Lanie: Neither sound very appealing.

Mom: I know. You would think that the scooter company would make scooters that had a little more class.

Artistic

9:00am. Wednesday. November 4, 2009.

Lanie: Mom, thanks for being supportive about my writing stuff.

Mom: Oh, well. You're welcome.

Lanie: Not all parents let their kids be artists.

Mom: I can't see you as a trades person Lanie.

Lanie: Right. But you guys always told me I could do or be anything.

Mom: Well, within limits now.

Lanie: Oh?

Mom: Just be able to pay your rent and eat.

Lanie: Fair enough.

Mom: And once the bills are paid, then you can be anything you want to be.

Lanie: I gotta work on the bill paying part right now.

Mom: Yes please.