Hooking Up?

5:03 pm. December 29, 2009.

Mom: Lanie.

Lanie: Yes?

Mom: Is hooking-up the same as dating?

Lanie: Uh, really depends on the context.

Mom: Are the terms interchangeable?

Lanie: Not really.

Mom: Can you date and hook-up?

Lanie: You hook-up while dating.

Mom: Can you hook-up and date?

Lanie: Uh, not likely.

Mom: So are you hooking-up or dating?

Lanie: Um-

Mom: Wait- I don't think I want to know the answer.

All is Well

5:30pm. Monday. November 30, 2009.

Lanie: I love my new job. I love New York in the winter. I love my new haircut, and I have a dent.

Mom: A dent?

Lanie: A crush.

Mom: Like on a boy?

Lanie: Yes.

Mom: That's nice.

Lanie: All is well.

Mom: Well. Good.

Lanie: Mom? What's up? Why so distracted?

Mom: Oh, just lots of decisions.

Lanie: Lots of cases?

Mom: Oh no. I've been done for weeks. Your father is getting me scooter.

Lanie: Oh, that's great. I think you'll enjoy that.

Mom: Which is more judicial, red or blue?

Lanie: I don't know. They both seem pretty patriotic.

Mom: Fire engine red, or electric blue.

Lanie: Neither sound very appealing.

Mom: I know. You would think that the scooter company would make scooters that had a little more class.

Artistic

9:00am. Wednesday. November 4, 2009.

Lanie: Mom, thanks for being supportive about my writing stuff.

Mom: Oh, well. You're welcome.

Lanie: Not all parents let their kids be artists.

Mom: I can't see you as a trades person Lanie.

Lanie: Right. But you guys always told me I could do or be anything.

Mom: Well, within limits now.

Lanie: Oh?

Mom: Just be able to pay your rent and eat.

Lanie: Fair enough.

Mom: And once the bills are paid, then you can be anything you want to be.

Lanie: I gotta work on the bill paying part right now.

Mom: Yes please.

Job Hunting

7:30am. Tuesday. November 3, 2009.

Mom: So?

Lanie: It was a great interview.

Mom: Great?

Lanie: They liked me. I liked me.

Mom: Do you think you could do the job?

Lanie: Yeah, and I think I'd like it.

Mom: I know you'll get it. I know you'll get it.

Lanie: Mom I'm a cow.

Mom: Well do something about it.

Lanie: No. I mean. I walked into the office and there were three other girls just like me. We all had on cute dresses, pumps, straight hair and a professional looking bag. I'm sure they all need work too. And I'm sure they all have decent experience.

Mom: And this makes you a cow?

Lanie: I dunno like part of an indistinguishable herd.

Mom: Well- Moo the loudest.

West Coasting

8:32 am. Wednesday. October 28, 2009.

Lanie: I booked a trip to LA.

Mom: As in Los Angeles?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: Oh.

Lanie: Mom, stop crying. Really STOP.

Mom: Oh, God.

Lanie: Mom I'm not moving out there, just want to explore a few options see if I could ever- you have got to stop crying. I know it's far away, but Jesus this is just a trip for two days.

Mom: I think I can handle the distance... but the thought of you running around with that Hollywood crowd. Doing God knows what.

Lanie: Hollywood crowd. Mom, I don't know anyone in that crowd.

Mom: I'm sure that's what Lindsay told Dina the first time she went west. People don't OD at The Viper Room on Long Island.

Gameshow Contestant

9:00am. Thursday. October 15, 2009

Lanie: Guess what? So, I've been thinking of ways to make money besides focus groups... And I've been up since 6:30am. It just hit me! And I've been applying for game shows. Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Umm... Wheel of Fortune.... Amazing Race, I need a partner though-

Mom: Aren't you forgetting something?

Lanie: Mom, I think I could get on at least one of them.

Mom: Lanie-

Lanie: This isn't a crazy idea. I know people in casting... maybe they can put me at the top of the pile... and I've got a good story.

Mom: It's my birthday.

Lanie: Oh my God, Mom! I'm so sorry. Happy Birthday. I so knew it was your birthday... I just got distracted- oh my God, happy birthday. Happy 57th Birthday!

Mom: I'm 54.

Lanie: Happy Birthday!

The Things She Says to Important People

9:00am. Sunday. October 4, 2009

Mom: So how was the date?

Lanie: Very good.

Mom: And?

Lanie: And he's smart and sexy, and we talked and it was nice.

Mom: How'd it end?

Lanie: A walk home and a nice kiss.

Mom: You kiss on the first date?

Lanie: Why not?

Mom: I can't believe you kiss on the first date.

Lanie: Mom, is dad in the car with you? I don't want dad to know about my kissing.

Mom: Your father is not in the car.

Lanie: Well, I don't discuss kissing with my brother either.

Mom: Matty isn't here.

Lanie: Who's driving you then?

Mom: Just another Judge.

Lanie: Anyone else in the car?

Mom: Well, a few of us Judges are going to brunch.

Lanie: So, the entire Court of Appeals knows about my love life.

Mom: Yes.

Lanie: Mom-

Mom: We just took a vote. Majority says you shouldn't kiss on the first date. With one dissent saying it's okay as long as the kiss was less than 30 seconds.

Lanie: I'm appealing to a higher court.

Mom: They won't grant you cert.

Unreal Dating

8:20 am. Thursday. September 24, 2009

Lanie: So I went on a date last night.

Mom: Wonderful.

Lanie: Not so much.

Mom: Not so much?

Lanie: Imagine if Woody Allen and Larry David had a love child.

Mom: That could be sexy.

Lanie: If Woody Allen and Larry David weren't famous they wouldn't be sexy at all.

Mom: Okay, so this guy was a dork. Big deal.

Lanie: Mom, we went for coffee. He complained about the price of the coffee.

Mom: Was it expensive?

Lanie: Mom! He then complained about everything.

Mom: Like what?

Lanie: I mean everything. The weather, the jazz trio playing in the park, how he thought playwrights were suppose to know more about movies, how his parents didn't invite him on their Hawaiian vacation, and finally to top if off he complained about his cousin the dry cleaner.

Mom: What?

Lanie: It felt like the twilight zone.

Mom: I'm sorry. How'd it end?

Lanie: I saw a one armed man playing ping pong near and said "Wow. That's cool. Shoot I've got to go walk my dog."

Mom: How long were you with him?

Lanie: 23 minutes.

Mom: So it was a speed date.

Starbucks for the Unemployed

11:30am. Tuesday. September 22, 2009.

Mom: What you doing?

Lanie: At Starbucks.

Mom: Can you afford that now?

Lanie: I don't drink the coffee I use the internet.

Mom: Don't you have internet at the apartment?

Lanie: Yes.

Mom: So why would-

Lanie: It's easier to work here.

Mom: It's easier to work in a crowded chain coffee shop with Baristas yelling than your own home?

Lanie: Yes.

Mom: I think this is another generation gap.

Getting Laid

12:45pm. Wednesday. September 9, 2009.

Lanie: I got laid off.

Mom: Oh. I'm so sorry hunny.

Lanie: Me too.

Mom: Well you just find yourself another job as quick as you can.

Lanie: That's the idea..

Mom: Do it before you can the unemployed fifteen.

Lanie: What?

Mom: You calculate that you gain 15lbs per two months you are unemployed

Lanie: Yet another thing to look forward to...