SAT Score, What?

3:03 pm. Monday. August 31, 2009.

Lanie: So... I'm teaching this SAT course.. it's like a volunteer thing-

Mom: Oy.

Lanie: My thoughts exactly.

Mom: Do they know what you made on your SAT?

Lanie: No, but they said that didn't matter.

Mom: Those poor children.

Lanie: Mom, it'll be great because I can relate to them.

Mom: If I recall correctly you had a few SAT tutors.

Lanie: They made my score go up.

Mom: The only reason why your score went up is because I called Kaplan and told them to send over the best looking tutor they had.

Lanie: So better looking tutors get better results?

Mom: How do you think I got you to concentrate on geometry for three hours at a time.

Lanie: I still can't find the Y-intercept... he must not have been that good looking.

Amended... or Maybe a Retraction

10:00 am. Friday. August 28, 2009.

Mom: I would like to amend my previous statement about Judaism-

Lanie: Okay.

Mom: In Judaism, we do confess our sin- just once a year on Yom Kippur, the al het. We carry the guilt for the rest of the year. Please post.

Oh, Mother Mary

9:00am. Wednesday. August 26, 2009.

Lanie: So... every morning I see nuns on my way to work.

Mom: Not everyone in New York is Jewish.

Lanie: -And I feel compelled to tell them things.

Mom: What?

Lanie: Like a confession.

Mom: That's only priests.

Lanie: I know. But how come in Judaism we don't have someone we can confess our sins too for absolution?

Mom: Because then there would be no Jewish guilt.

Losing My Head

9:03 am. Thursday. August 20, 2009.

Lanie: Everything's fine. But. I lost my wallet and phone in a cab. I got the wallet back and am in the process of getting the phone back.

Mom: Okay.

Lanie: Where is the yelling?

Mom: You know how you have dreams? I have dreams too. But in my dreams I see you leaving your head in a taxi cab, and your body running off down 2nd Avenue headless bumping into things.

Lanie: That's kinda twisted.

Mom: Lane, I only pray that when you have children it only takes you one time to remember not to lock your children in the car.

Lanie: How many times did you lock me in the car?

Mom: At least seven.

Lanie: Rad. I've only lost five phones. I'm better than you at not losing things. I win!

Mom: No, AT&T wins.

About A Boy

2:32 pm. Monday. August 17, 2009.

Lanie: I like a boy.

Mom: Good.

Lanie: And he doesn't like me.

Mom: Oh. Are you sure?

Lanie: Sure. He made it pretty clear.

Mom: Well that... Um... that. Everyone should like you.

Lanie: I know, right?

Dwunk Dialing

10:00 pm. Tuesday. August 12, 2009.

Mom: Gotcha. I've been calling you since 5:30... where have you been?

Lanie: I dwas 'rinking wit wanna myy bosses.

Mom: What?

Lanie: Happy Hour. I'm in dadvertising. Iss what wee doo.

Mom: Lanie, you are not part of the cast of Mad Men.

Lanie: Dar doo sure?

Mom: Lanie, I can not understand you when you are drunk. And I also find that drinking so much that you slur your words utterly embarrassing and shameful.

Lanie: MOM! I'm not willy dat drunk.

Mom: What is going on then?

Lanie: I hads a nice buss onn and I durnt my tongke on a fench fi.

Mom: You were eating french fries? Still shameful.

8:45 am. Monday. August 10, 2009.

Lanie: I had this insane dream last night.

Mom: What was it?

Lanie: I can't remember it exactly, but my chest opened up and there were dying vines inside.

Mom: What kind of vines?

Lanie: I dunno... dying ones.

Mom: I don't think I can have this conversation with you.

Lanie: Why?

Mom: Because most people have normal dreams. Falling, teeth, snakes. You. You dream exclusively in intellectual metaphor.

Lanie: Does that mean I'm smart?

Mom: No, just pretentious.

Thursday. August 6, 2009.

Lanie: I never got to ask you what you did this weekend.

Mom: Oh. I was with President Carter.

Lanie: As in Jimmy Carter.

Mom: And Roslyn. She's still a looker.

Lanie: And you were with him because?

Mom: Oh, I don't know... But he is such a Mensch.

Lanie: He won a Noble Peace Prize.

Mom: You know he has a grandson.

12:35 pm. Wednesday August 5, 2009.

Lanie: I have an appointment with the lady doctor this afternoon.

Mom: Are you pregnant?

Lanie: NO-

Mom: A venereal disease? I can handle a baby not a VD.

Lanie: It's STD now, Mom. But no. Just a check-up.

Mom: Why would you scare me like that-

Lanie: I was just telling you because I don't think I'll be able to answer my phone after work when you call me, as I'll be on the examination table.

Mom: You can talk to me at the lady doctor... they don't look at your mouth.

Lanie: And Goodbye.

Monday. August 3, 2009.

Lanie: So, since I don't have work today I cleaned my apartment, did laundry and went on a long walk.

Mom: Very nice.

Lanie: I'm starting to think I could be satisfied by being a stay at home lady.

Mom: I felt that way at one time or another.

Lanie: You did?

Mom: Of course. Getting 35 pairs of underwear clean, and getting ring around the collar out is almost as thrilling as putting child molesters away.

Lanie: My thoughts exactly.