Unreal Dating

8:20 am. Thursday. September 24, 2009

Lanie: So I went on a date last night.

Mom: Wonderful.

Lanie: Not so much.

Mom: Not so much?

Lanie: Imagine if Woody Allen and Larry David had a love child.

Mom: That could be sexy.

Lanie: If Woody Allen and Larry David weren't famous they wouldn't be sexy at all.

Mom: Okay, so this guy was a dork. Big deal.

Lanie: Mom, we went for coffee. He complained about the price of the coffee.

Mom: Was it expensive?

Lanie: Mom! He then complained about everything.

Mom: Like what?

Lanie: I mean everything. The weather, the jazz trio playing in the park, how he thought playwrights were suppose to know more about movies, how his parents didn't invite him on their Hawaiian vacation, and finally to top if off he complained about his cousin the dry cleaner.

Mom: What?

Lanie: It felt like the twilight zone.

Mom: I'm sorry. How'd it end?

Lanie: I saw a one armed man playing ping pong near and said "Wow. That's cool. Shoot I've got to go walk my dog."

Mom: How long were you with him?

Lanie: 23 minutes.

Mom: So it was a speed date.

Starbucks for the Unemployed

11:30am. Tuesday. September 22, 2009.

Mom: What you doing?

Lanie: At Starbucks.

Mom: Can you afford that now?

Lanie: I don't drink the coffee I use the internet.

Mom: Don't you have internet at the apartment?

Lanie: Yes.

Mom: So why would-

Lanie: It's easier to work here.

Mom: It's easier to work in a crowded chain coffee shop with Baristas yelling than your own home?

Lanie: Yes.

Mom: I think this is another generation gap.

Getting Laid

12:45pm. Wednesday. September 9, 2009.

Lanie: I got laid off.

Mom: Oh. I'm so sorry hunny.

Lanie: Me too.

Mom: Well you just find yourself another job as quick as you can.

Lanie: That's the idea..

Mom: Do it before you can the unemployed fifteen.

Lanie: What?

Mom: You calculate that you gain 15lbs per two months you are unemployed

Lanie: Yet another thing to look forward to...

Boobs and The Beach

10:45 am. Friday. September 4, 2009.

Lanie: I'm going surfing tomorrow.

Mom: Where?

Lanie: Brooklyn.

Mom: They have ocean in Brooklyn? I would have never known.

Lanie: Yes. Mom, I gotta wear a bathing suit in public.

Mom: So?

Lanie: Well it makes me uncomfortable.

Mom: I know how you feel dear. Every woman feels that way during the summer.

Lanie: You think?

Mom: I know. Just accentuate your positive assets.

Lanie: I don't know how to do that.

Mom: Cleavage Lanie. Cleavage.