West Coasting

8:32 am. Wednesday. October 28, 2009.

Lanie: I booked a trip to LA.

Mom: As in Los Angeles?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: Oh.

Lanie: Mom, stop crying. Really STOP.

Mom: Oh, God.

Lanie: Mom I'm not moving out there, just want to explore a few options see if I could ever- you have got to stop crying. I know it's far away, but Jesus this is just a trip for two days.

Mom: I think I can handle the distance... but the thought of you running around with that Hollywood crowd. Doing God knows what.

Lanie: Hollywood crowd. Mom, I don't know anyone in that crowd.

Mom: I'm sure that's what Lindsay told Dina the first time she went west. People don't OD at The Viper Room on Long Island.

Gameshow Contestant

9:00am. Thursday. October 15, 2009

Lanie: Guess what? So, I've been thinking of ways to make money besides focus groups... And I've been up since 6:30am. It just hit me! And I've been applying for game shows. Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Umm... Wheel of Fortune.... Amazing Race, I need a partner though-

Mom: Aren't you forgetting something?

Lanie: Mom, I think I could get on at least one of them.

Mom: Lanie-

Lanie: This isn't a crazy idea. I know people in casting... maybe they can put me at the top of the pile... and I've got a good story.

Mom: It's my birthday.

Lanie: Oh my God, Mom! I'm so sorry. Happy Birthday. I so knew it was your birthday... I just got distracted- oh my God, happy birthday. Happy 57th Birthday!

Mom: I'm 54.

Lanie: Happy Birthday!

The Things She Says to Important People

9:00am. Sunday. October 4, 2009

Mom: So how was the date?

Lanie: Very good.

Mom: And?

Lanie: And he's smart and sexy, and we talked and it was nice.

Mom: How'd it end?

Lanie: A walk home and a nice kiss.

Mom: You kiss on the first date?

Lanie: Why not?

Mom: I can't believe you kiss on the first date.

Lanie: Mom, is dad in the car with you? I don't want dad to know about my kissing.

Mom: Your father is not in the car.

Lanie: Well, I don't discuss kissing with my brother either.

Mom: Matty isn't here.

Lanie: Who's driving you then?

Mom: Just another Judge.

Lanie: Anyone else in the car?

Mom: Well, a few of us Judges are going to brunch.

Lanie: So, the entire Court of Appeals knows about my love life.

Mom: Yes.

Lanie: Mom-

Mom: We just took a vote. Majority says you shouldn't kiss on the first date. With one dissent saying it's okay as long as the kiss was less than 30 seconds.

Lanie: I'm appealing to a higher court.

Mom: They won't grant you cert.