The Things She Says Aloud

2010-12-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

Confessions

Lanie: I did something so brave.

Mom: Lanie, did you sky dive again?

Lanie: No, I'm an emotional mature woman.

Mom: I wouldn't go that far.

Lanie: I told someone how I feel, well how they make me feel.

Mom: You can only confess your love to someone when you're in high school.

Lanie: I didn't do that. I realized that we only get hurt when we let ourselves get hurt. You have to be honest and tell people what they do that bothers you in the kindest way possible.

Mom: Wow.

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: Glad to see 15 years of therapy working...

Lanie: I think this is what they call a "breakthrough".

Mom: I dunno, but I think it's great. And I'm very proud of you.

2010-10-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

Drinking at Weddings

Mom: How was the wedding?

Lanie: Weddingy.

Mom: Did you dance with anyone?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: Did you drink too much?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: I don't understand you and your friends. You drink with the sole purpose of getting drunk, we never did that.

Lanie: It's a social lubricant.

Mom: So is a nice smile.

Lanie: Mom, head is-

Mom: I think you should have yours at the synagogue.

Lanie: I'll hold a date in 2014.

Mom: I'm not rushing you. Just sayin'.

Lanie: Okay. I'm gonna go back to sleep-

Mom: They can open up the doors at the synagogue to make the social hall bigger and I bet you can fit 350 people.

Lanie: 350?!

Mom: Small weddings aren't an option in this family. You have at least 50 cousins.

Lanie: Mom this is a long way away.

Mom: I am planning two events before I die: my funeral and your wedding. And both will be damn classy.

2010-05-10T17:05:00.006-07:00

Something in the Way We Move...

8:08 am. May 6, 2010.

Lanie: Hey. I had an aha moment. I was at this meet-up thing.

Mom: What is a meet-up?

Lanie: A gathering of like minded geeks.

Mom: Oh. Sounds... interesting.

Lanie: It wasn't.

Mom: Oh?

Lanie: All these "media people" claiming they were experts on the interweb... and looking at me like I wasn't part of the .com boom so I must be a fetus.

Mom: Are you speaking English?

Lanie: I'm venting.

Mom: Continue.

Lanie: Like they know best, like they are the end all be all in communication exchange. "I's a columnist. I have a book deal." It sounded like the grown-ups from Peanuts. Waaaaaaaa-waaaaa-waaaa.

Mom: You sound fired up.

Lanie: I am. Then we got onto how I went to Africa and volunteered-

Mom: Oh Lord-

Lanie: And I was saying how I wanted to change the world using media, and they kinda just laughed and one guy actually said, 'I just want to change my little corner of the Upper East Side."

What is wrong with these people?

Mom: Play some Bob Dylan and, have a glass of wine and read some Beat poetry.

Lanie: Way to make fun of me.

Mom: I was being serious.

Lanie: Sure.

Mom: How do you think we made the 60's happen?

Lanie: I dunno. You guy didn't even have computers....

2010-05-02T18:28:00.004-07:00

May 2nd. Sunday. 9:38 am.

Reege

Mom: Hi- question?

Lanie: Answer.

Mom: I was watching a morning show-

Lanie: Which one?

Mom: Regis and Kelly-

Lanie: I love them.

Mom: Me too.

Lanie: I bet they would be fun friends.

Mom: Definitely.

Lanie: Do you think Kelly is too skinny?

Mom: No. Lanie, when I called what did I-

Lanie: You said you had a question...

Mom: Oh. Right. Who is this Kristin Cava-something?

Lanie: Blonde?

Mom: Yes, very cute. But, I was confused why is she famous?

Lanie: She just is- she was on reality TV.

Mom: Which show.

Lanie: The Hills, on MTV.

Mom: Oh, she's one of those girls who's famous for being tan, rich and spoiled.

Lanie: Exactly.

2010-04-05T17:37:00.004-07:00

A Clooney Type Thing...

8:30 am. Sunday, April 4, 2010.

Lanie: George?

Mom: It's Mom.

Lanie: Wha- hold on. Gimme- a

Mom: Did I wake you up?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: Do you have company, Lanie?

Lanie: Wha- no. Mom. I was asleep. Early.

Mom: You said George.

Lanie: As in Clooney.

Mom: Oh.

Lanie: I was dreaming... we were in Italy- and there was a boat...

Mom: Do you dream about George Clooney often?

Lanie: First time. I met a guy who reminded me of him last night...

Mom: Very nice.

Lanie: Uhhh, Mom he was gorgeous and smart and funny and Jewish and-

Mom: Salt and pepper?

Lanie: Yes! And we were talking and he was charming... and then...

Mom: What?

Lanie: I realized he was closer to your age than mine.

Mom: Oh.

Lanie: Yeah. He was like a real grown up.

Mom: Lane, we've been over this before. You are a grown up too.

Lanie: A real one?

Mom: A real one.

Lanie: Does this mean this guy is a feasible option?

Mom: He's close to my age and never been married?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: You have a better chance with George Clooney.

2010-03-22T14:59:00.006-07:00

The Girl Likes to Tap Dance

Monday March 22, 2010. 5:32pm.

Lanie: When did you feel like a grown up?

Mom: What are you talking about?

Lanie: Like when did you feel like... I mean an honest to God adult.

Mom: Who says I do now?

Lanie: Do you?

Mom: I think it's when you had your first dance class and I had just tried a big case, and I left the courthouse at 2:50 was at yout school by 3:13, and you were in dance class in tights by 3:40.

Lanie: I don't remember it being such a rush.

Mom: You don't remember because I was such a great mother.

Lanie: Or because I was 4.

Mom: What's going on? You feeling like a grown up?

Lanie: I dunno. Maybe. Kinda.

Mom: Is this a bad thing?

Lanie: I kinda got sad today. We were talking about college at work. And I was telling all the girls how I used to run around campus in my tap shoes drunk, pretending to be a turtle. I don't do that anymore. So maybe I'm a grown up? It doesn't sound so fun.

Mom: Right of course, because acting responsible with alcohol is terribly, terribly sad.

Lanie: I just miss the tap dancing part...

2010-03-15T18:10:00.006-07:00

Hooker Boots

10:00am. Sunday March 14, 2010.

Lanie: I had the most mortifying experience.

Mom: Did you?

Lanie: Mom, I got stuck in my boots.

Mom: The Pretty Woman ones?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: I told you not to-

Lanie: Mom, it's not about the boots.

Mom: Okay.

Lanie: I got home from going out... had a few drinks, a really nice night out with my friends and I came back alone. And I didn't have anyone there to help me with my boots.

Mom: This sounds like a Sarah Jessica Parker show thing...

Lanie: No, it's a Lanie thing. I was hopping around my apartment sweating and cursing. And I stepped on puppy's paw. The whole thing was just horrible and pathetic.

Mom: How'd you get them off?

Lanie: I didn't, they're still on.

Mom: You slept with them on?

Lanie: What choice did I have... I gotta call a friend today. My feet feel like they're triangles now.

Mom: Oh honey, I'm so sorry. Everyone gets stuck in their boots.

Lanie: Really?

Mom: Just most of us have sense to call the doorman for help.

2009-12-29T19:33:00.003-07:00

Hooking Up?

5:03 pm. December 29, 2009.

Mom: Lanie.

Lanie: Yes?

Mom: Is hooking-up the same as dating?

Lanie: Uh, really depends on the context.

Mom: Are the terms interchangeable?

Lanie: Not really.

Mom: Can you date and hook-up?

Lanie: You hook-up while dating.

Mom: Can you hook-up and date?

Lanie: Uh, not likely.

Mom: So are you hooking-up or dating?

Lanie: Um-

Mom: Wait- I don't think I want to know the answer.

2009-11-30T19:54:00.005-07:00

All is Well

5:30pm. Monday. November 30, 2009.

Lanie: I love my new job. I love New York in the winter. I love my new haircut, and I have a dent.

Mom: A dent?

Lanie: A crush.

Mom: Like on a boy?

Lanie: Yes.

Mom: That's nice.

Lanie: All is well.

Mom: Well. Good.

Lanie: Mom? What's up? Why so distracted?

Mom: Oh, just lots of decisions.

Lanie: Lots of cases?

Mom: Oh no. I've been done for weeks. Your father is getting me scooter.

Lanie: Oh, that's great. I think you'll enjoy that.

Mom: Which is more judicial, red or blue?

Lanie: I don't know. They both seem pretty patriotic.

Mom: Fire engine red, or electric blue.

Lanie: Neither sound very appealing.

Mom: I know. You would think that the scooter company would make scooters that had a little more class.

2009-11-04T09:01:00.003-07:00

Artistic

9:00am. Wednesday. November 4, 2009.

Lanie: Mom, thanks for being supportive about my writing stuff.

Mom: Oh, well. You're welcome.

Lanie: Not all parents let their kids be artists.

Mom: I can't see you as a trades person Lanie.

Lanie: Right. But you guys always told me I could do or be anything.

Mom: Well, within limits now.

Lanie: Oh?

Mom: Just be able to pay your rent and eat.

Lanie: Fair enough.

Mom: And once the bills are paid, then you can be anything you want to be.

Lanie: I gotta work on the bill paying part right now.

Mom: Yes please.

2009-11-03T08:46:00.003-07:00

Job Hunting

7:30am. Tuesday. November 3, 2009.

Mom: So?

Lanie: It was a great interview.

Mom: Great?

Lanie: They liked me. I liked me.

Mom: Do you think you could do the job?

Lanie: Yeah, and I think I'd like it.

Mom: I know you'll get it. I know you'll get it.

Lanie: Mom I'm a cow.

Mom: Well do something about it.

Lanie: No. I mean. I walked into the office and there were three other girls just like me. We all had on cute dresses, pumps, straight hair and a professional looking bag. I'm sure they all need work too. And I'm sure they all have decent experience.

Mom: And this makes you a cow?

Lanie: I dunno like part of an indistinguishable herd.

Mom: Well- Moo the loudest.

2009-10-28T06:05:00.004-07:00

West Coasting

8:32 am. Wednesday. October 28, 2009.

Lanie: I booked a trip to LA.

Mom: As in Los Angeles?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: Oh.

Lanie: Mom, stop crying. Really STOP.

Mom: Oh, God.

Lanie: Mom I'm not moving out there, just want to explore a few options see if I could ever- you have got to stop crying. I know it's far away, but Jesus this is just a trip for two days.

Mom: I think I can handle the distance... but the thought of you running around with that Hollywood crowd. Doing God knows what.

Lanie: Hollywood crowd. Mom, I don't know anyone in that crowd.

Mom: I'm sure that's what Lindsay told Dina the first time she went west. People don't OD at The Viper Room on Long Island.

2009-10-15T14:12:00.003-07:00

Gameshow Contestant

9:00am. Thursday. October 15, 2009

Lanie: Guess what? So, I've been thinking of ways to make money besides focus groups... And I've been up since 6:30am. It just hit me! And I've been applying for game shows. Who Wants to be a Millionaire? Umm... Wheel of Fortune.... Amazing Race, I need a partner though-

Mom: Aren't you forgetting something?

Lanie: Mom, I think I could get on at least one of them.

Mom: Lanie-

Lanie: This isn't a crazy idea. I know people in casting... maybe they can put me at the top of the pile... and I've got a good story.

Mom: It's my birthday.

Lanie: Oh my God, Mom! I'm so sorry. Happy Birthday. I so knew it was your birthday... I just got distracted- oh my God, happy birthday. Happy 57th Birthday!

Mom: I'm 54.

Lanie: Happy Birthday!

2009-10-04T19:20:00.004-07:00

The Things She Says to Important People

9:00am. Sunday. October 4, 2009

Mom: So how was the date?

Lanie: Very good.

Mom: And?

Lanie: And he's smart and sexy, and we talked and it was nice.

Mom: How'd it end?

Lanie: A walk home and a nice kiss.

Mom: You kiss on the first date?

Lanie: Why not?

Mom: I can't believe you kiss on the first date.

Lanie: Mom, is dad in the car with you? I don't want dad to know about my kissing.

Mom: Your father is not in the car.

Lanie: Well, I don't discuss kissing with my brother either.

Mom: Matty isn't here.

Lanie: Who's driving you then?

Mom: Just another Judge.

Lanie: Anyone else in the car?

Mom: Well, a few of us Judges are going to brunch.

Lanie: So, the entire Court of Appeals knows about my love life.

Mom: Yes.

Lanie: Mom-

Mom: We just took a vote. Majority says you shouldn't kiss on the first date. With one dissent saying it's okay as long as the kiss was less than 30 seconds.

Lanie: I'm appealing to a higher court.

Mom: They won't grant you cert.

2009-09-24T06:19:00.005-07:00

Unreal Dating

8:20 am. Thursday. September 24, 2009

Lanie: So I went on a date last night.

Mom: Wonderful.

Lanie: Not so much.

Mom: Not so much?

Lanie: Imagine if Woody Allen and Larry David had a love child.

Mom: That could be sexy.

Lanie: If Woody Allen and Larry David weren't famous they wouldn't be sexy at all.

Mom: Okay, so this guy was a dork. Big deal.

Lanie: Mom, we went for coffee. He complained about the price of the coffee.

Mom: Was it expensive?

Lanie: Mom! He then complained about everything.

Mom: Like what?

Lanie: I mean everything. The weather, the jazz trio playing in the park, how he thought playwrights were suppose to know more about movies, how his parents didn't invite him on their Hawaiian vacation, and finally to top if off he complained about his cousin the dry cleaner.

Mom: What?

Lanie: It felt like the twilight zone.

Mom: I'm sorry. How'd it end?

Lanie: I saw a one armed man playing ping pong near and said "Wow. That's cool. Shoot I've got to go walk my dog."

Mom: How long were you with him?

Lanie: 23 minutes.

Mom: So it was a speed date.

2009-09-22T08:57:00.003-07:00

Starbucks for the Unemployed

11:30am. Tuesday. September 22, 2009.

Mom: What you doing?

Lanie: At Starbucks.

Mom: Can you afford that now?

Lanie: I don't drink the coffee I use the internet.

Mom: Don't you have internet at the apartment?

Lanie: Yes.

Mom: So why would-

Lanie: It's easier to work here.

Mom: It's easier to work in a crowded chain coffee shop with Baristas yelling than your own home?

Lanie: Yes.

Mom: I think this is another generation gap.

2009-09-10T09:34:00.003-07:00

Getting Laid

12:45pm. Wednesday. September 9, 2009.

Lanie: I got laid off.

Mom: Oh. I'm so sorry hunny.

Lanie: Me too.

Mom: Well you just find yourself another job as quick as you can.

Lanie: That's the idea..

Mom: Do it before you can the unemployed fifteen.

Lanie: What?

Mom: You calculate that you gain 15lbs per two months you are unemployed

Lanie: Yet another thing to look forward to...

2009-09-04T13:19:00.004-07:00

Boobs and The Beach

10:45 am. Friday. September 4, 2009.

Lanie: I'm going surfing tomorrow.

Mom: Where?

Lanie: Brooklyn.

Mom: They have ocean in Brooklyn? I would have never known.

Lanie: Yes. Mom, I gotta wear a bathing suit in public.

Mom: So?

Lanie: Well it makes me uncomfortable.

Mom: I know how you feel dear. Every woman feels that way during the summer.

Lanie: You think?

Mom: I know. Just accentuate your positive assets.

Lanie: I don't know how to do that.

Mom: Cleavage Lanie. Cleavage.

2009-08-31T12:56:00.006-07:00

SAT Score, What?

3:03 pm. Monday. August 31, 2009.

Lanie: So... I'm teaching this SAT course.. it's like a volunteer thing-

Mom: Oy.

Lanie: My thoughts exactly.

Mom: Do they know what you made on your SAT?

Lanie: No, but they said that didn't matter.

Mom: Those poor children.

Lanie: Mom, it'll be great because I can relate to them.

Mom: If I recall correctly you had a few SAT tutors.

Lanie: They made my score go up.

Mom: The only reason why your score went up is because I called Kaplan and told them to send over the best looking tutor they had.

Lanie: So better looking tutors get better results?

Mom: How do you think I got you to concentrate on geometry for three hours at a time.

Lanie: I still can't find the Y-intercept... he must not have been that good looking.

2009-08-28T13:26:00.004-07:00

Amended... or Maybe a Retraction

10:00 am. Friday. August 28, 2009.

Mom: I would like to amend my previous statement about Judaism-

Lanie: Okay.

Mom: In Judaism, we do confess our sin- just once a year on Yom Kippur, the al het. We carry the guilt for the rest of the year. Please post.

2009-08-26T06:06:00.004-07:00

Oh, Mother Mary

9:00am. Wednesday. August 26, 2009.

Lanie: So... every morning I see nuns on my way to work.

Mom: Not everyone in New York is Jewish.

Lanie: -And I feel compelled to tell them things.

Mom: What?

Lanie: Like a confession.

Mom: That's only priests.

Lanie: I know. But how come in Judaism we don't have someone we can confess our sins too for absolution?

Mom: Because then there would be no Jewish guilt.

2009-08-20T12:12:00.006-07:00

Losing My Head

9:03 am. Thursday. August 20, 2009.

Lanie: Everything's fine. But. I lost my wallet and phone in a cab. I got the wallet back and am in the process of getting the phone back.

Mom: Okay.

Lanie: Where is the yelling?

Mom: You know how you have dreams? I have dreams too. But in my dreams I see you leaving your head in a taxi cab, and your body running off down 2nd Avenue headless bumping into things.

Lanie: That's kinda twisted.

Mom: Lane, I only pray that when you have children it only takes you one time to remember not to lock your children in the car.

Lanie: How many times did you lock me in the car?

Mom: At least seven.

Lanie: Rad. I've only lost five phones. I'm better than you at not losing things. I win!

Mom: No, AT&T wins.

2009-08-17T05:22:00.008-07:00

About A Boy

2:32 pm. Monday. August 17, 2009.

Lanie: I like a boy.

Mom: Good.

Lanie: And he doesn't like me.

Mom: Oh. Are you sure?

Lanie: Sure. He made it pretty clear.

Mom: Well that... Um... that. Everyone should like you.

Lanie: I know, right?

2009-08-12T08:26:00.005-07:00

Dwunk Dialing

10:00 pm. Tuesday. August 12, 2009.

Mom: Gotcha. I've been calling you since 5:30... where have you been?

Lanie: I dwas 'rinking wit wanna myy bosses.

Mom: What?

Lanie: Happy Hour. I'm in dadvertising. Iss what wee doo.

Mom: Lanie, you are not part of the cast of Mad Men.

Lanie: Dar doo sure?

Mom: Lanie, I can not understand you when you are drunk. And I also find that drinking so much that you slur your words utterly embarrassing and shameful.

Lanie: MOM! I'm not willy dat drunk.

Mom: What is going on then?

Lanie: I hads a nice buss onn and I durnt my tongke on a fench fi.

Mom: You were eating french fries? Still shameful.

2009-08-07T08:34:00.007-07:00

8:45 am. Monday. August 10, 2009.

Lanie: I had this insane dream last night.

Mom: What was it?

Lanie: I can't remember it exactly, but my chest opened up and there were dying vines inside.

Mom: What kind of vines?

Lanie: I dunno... dying ones.

Mom: I don't think I can have this conversation with you.

Lanie: Why?

Mom: Because most people have normal dreams. Falling, teeth, snakes. You. You dream exclusively in intellectual metaphor.

Lanie: Does that mean I'm smart?

Mom: No, just pretentious.

2009-08-06T19:53:00.004-07:00

Thursday. August 6, 2009.

Lanie: I never got to ask you what you did this weekend.

Mom: Oh. I was with President Carter.

Lanie: As in Jimmy Carter.

Mom: And Roslyn. She's still a looker.

Lanie: And you were with him because?

Mom: Oh, I don't know... But he is such a Mensch.

Lanie: He won a Noble Peace Prize.

Mom: You know he has a grandson.

2009-08-05T11:41:00.006-07:00

12:35 pm. Wednesday August 5, 2009.

Lanie: I have an appointment with the lady doctor this afternoon.

Mom: Are you pregnant?

Lanie: NO-

Mom: A venereal disease? I can handle a baby not a VD.

Lanie: It's STD now, Mom. But no. Just a check-up.

Mom: Why would you scare me like that-

Lanie: I was just telling you because I don't think I'll be able to answer my phone after work when you call me, as I'll be on the examination table.

Mom: You can talk to me at the lady doctor... they don't look at your mouth.

Lanie: And Goodbye.

2009-08-03T13:14:00.004-07:00

Monday. August 3, 2009.

Lanie: So, since I don't have work today I cleaned my apartment, did laundry and went on a long walk.

Mom: Very nice.

Lanie: I'm starting to think I could be satisfied by being a stay at home lady.

Mom: I felt that way at one time or another.

Lanie: You did?

Mom: Of course. Getting 35 pairs of underwear clean, and getting ring around the collar out is almost as thrilling as putting child molesters away.

Lanie: My thoughts exactly.

2009-07-29T13:51:00.006-07:00

4:37pm. Wednesday. July 29, 2009.

Lanie: Your husband just sent me pictures of fish.

Mom: So.

Lanie: In one picture he's kissing a fish.

Mom: A fish he caught?

Lanie: It seems so.

Mom: Oh, that's normal.

Lanie: Really?

Mom: When men win things or capture things they have a tendency to kiss them.

Lanie: God, you're right.

2009-07-27T05:20:00.011-07:00

Photo By: Codi Wismer

6:55 am. Monday. July 27, 2009.

Lanie: Morning Sunshine.

Mom: Daughter?

Lanie: Mom. So. I felt bad about talking smack on New York City.

Mom: Smack?

Lanie: I feel like I was cheating on the greatest love of my life.

Mom: You have a boyfriend?

Lanie: Ok. Listen. Carefully.

Mom: I don't think we've spoken this early in the morning since you were eight.

Lanie: I made of list of things in New York I love.

Mom: Indulge.

Lanie: When there is a thunder storm it makes the city shut-up for a second and you can remember you live on planet earth. The Iranian woman at my deli has my bagel ready before I get there Monday-Friday. AC on the subway cars, the moment the subway pulls into a station and pushes hot air against your face, the moment you come out of the subway and get a lung full of fresh air. Sushi and Thai food every two blocks. Beer pong on rooftops, dance parties on rooftops and getting brunch delivered on Sunday.

Mom: Is that it?

Lanie: That was just the first part of it.

Mom: Email me the rest.

Lanie: But I do love the city. I do.

Mom: I gather. Ethnic things, food, and dirty underground passages. Not much has changed since you were 8.

Dating Strategy, A wake-up call

2009-07-24T06:33:00.005-07:00

Friday July 24, 2009.

Mom: Lanie. I. Have. An. Idea.

Lanie: Mom-

Mom: Wait- Listen.

Lanie: Mom, I gotta get dressed for-

Mom: Listen. I have cancer.

Lanie: You can only use that one more time now.

Mom: How many men are there in New York City?

Lanie: Mom, I don't-

Mom: Guess.

Lanie: 4 million.

Mom: And at least 40% are gay.

Lanie: 2.5 millionish straight guys.

Mom: And let's just say only a quarter are in your age range...

Lanie: Mom, where are you going with-

Mom: You only need to meet one new guy everyday... and if you play odds right he very well could be the one. And never run out of men.

Lanie: How do you propose I meet strangers once a day?

Mom: I would try the internet and Bergdorfs.

NY, NY

2009-07-23T15:42:00.004-07:00

5:50pm. Thursday. July 23, 2009.

Lanie: It's pouring.

Mom: You love the rain.

Lanie: I used to love the rain. New York killed it for me.

Mom: That's a horrible turn of phrase.

Lanie: It can suck the joy out of everything. I used to love the rain until I had to wade through street water. I thought Times Square was a feat of modern technology until I had to get home pushing through throngs of tourist. For Sunday morning brunch you have to wait 2 hours before you're even seated. A cocktail cost $12 and a good haircut cost $150.

Mom: Then why don't you move back to Atlanta?

Lanie: You're kidding right?

2009-07-22T12:45:00.009-07:00

12:00pm. Wednesday. July 22, 2009.

Mom: So I called your new Google number-

Lanie: Isn't it so cool?

Mom: I don't quite get it.

Lanie: Well it's just like a local number with super cheap international long distance. Hold on I'm gonna go read your voicemail

on my computer.

Mom: It can do that?

Lanie: Mom, it's Google.

---

Lanie: I don't understand your message. It says, "Sure her, I dove and dis do."

Mom: That's not what I said. I said, "Sugar, I love and miss you."

Lanie: Maybe Google doesn't speak Southern.

Subtext

2009-07-20T07:49:00.007-07:00

7:45 am. Monday July 20, 2009.

Lanie: So I was talking to the other hens at work and I was talking about how it would great if everyone spoke their subtext... or like even stage directions.

Mom: What are you talking about?

Lanie: Okay so now. Like I'll say. "Mom." But what I really mean is: Mother don't you understand me all the time. I am from your loins, aren't you supposed to be clairvoyant when it comes to me. Can you not feel my pain, and torment in my voice when I am excited to speak to you and you say "What are you talking about?"

Mom: Okay let me try. I'll say, "I see. Subtext." And what I'll really mean is... "I see. Subtext."

Lanie: I guess it's not as funny with you.

To Geek or Not to Geek

2009-07-17T08:36:00.005-07:00

8:30 am. Friday July 17, 2009.

Lanie: Do you remember who was cool and who was a dork in college?

Mom: No, but you never forget a loose woman.

Lanie: How about high school?

Mom: What is this about?

Lanie: Just checking to see if I have any enemies.

Mom: If I recall correctly you were the one being made fun of, not making fun.

Lanie: Mom, I was really cool in high school.

Mom: Lanie, you were part of drama club.

Beach Read in The Hamptons

2009-07-16T13:20:00.014-07:00

4:10pm. Thursday July 16, 2009.

Lanie: Hamptons this weekend.

Mom: Doesn't Bette Midler have a place out there?

Lanie: I'm sure. So, I need a beachy book

Mom: What about those vampire books?

Lanie: Twilight?

Mom: I heard that's good for girls your age.

Lanie: Am I 13?

Mom: You play kickball, you eat pizza every other meal and you recently told me, "Boys make me nervous." Maybe it's a second adolescence.

Lanie: Yeah, 'cept this time I'm not the last picked for kickball.

An Artistic Statment

2009-07-11T08:44:00.007-07:00

7:56 am. Saturday July 11, 2009.

Lanie: I have to write an artistic statement for this grant

Mom: Good morning.

Lanie: Morning. And it asks, 'What kind of artist are you?'

Mom: Ah

Lanie: And I don't know what I am. I'm freaking out. I mean I think I'm a blend of styles. I mean everything influences me... you think it's bad if I talk about how much I love Aaron Spelling shows?

Mom: I wouldn't do that.

Lanie: See, but that's a huge part of me. Like really. 90210 helped form my views on sexuality.

Mom: Oy.

Lanie: Mom. I need you're opinion. I'm asking for your opinion.

Mom: What is the question?

Lanie: What kind of writer/artist am I?

Mom: If you get this grant will you get money?

Lanie: Yeah, a ton.

Mom: Well... you're really good at making fun of your mother. Use that.

So Sad

2009-07-01T10:33:00.006-07:00

10:47pm. Tuesday June 30, 2009.

Mom: You can't do anything about the cards you're dealt, you can only control how you play them.

Lanie: I'm just sad. It's okay to be sad.

Mom: Me having Cancer isn't sad. The Holocaust was sad.

Lanie: Wow.

Mom: What?

Lanie: There is this joke... what's sadder than a dead puppy on the side of the road- The Holocaust you idiot.

Mom: That is sadder than a dead puppy.

Lanie: I know, but it's like... a joke.

Mom: I wasn't joking. Nothing is sadder than the Holocaust.

Lanie: I know. I know.

Dear Friends... We Have a Problem

2009-06-25T12:11:00.007-07:00

REMOVED BY ORDER OF THE JUDGE.

Joe Jonas, That's his name right?

2009-06-19T06:21:00.007-07:00

7:45am. Friday June 20, 2009.

Lanie: I feel old today.

Mom: I'll bite. Why is that?

Lanie: The Jonas Brothers are playing a concert, and there are like a million screaming girls here. I don't even know what they sing.

Mom: I know The Jonas Brothers. They are like Hanson, but less girly looking.

Lanie: Well it made me feel old.

Mom: Keeping up to date on pop culture isn't going to make you feel young.

Lanie: It might. I should start reading Tiger Beat again.

Mom: Just don't glue pictures of JTT to your walls...

Lanie: Never again.

Mom: Now you know how I felt when you were so into Britney Spears.

Lanie: Don't touch Brit-Brit. She's a legend.

Be Nice to Strangers

2009-06-16T17:16:00.006-07:00

7:45pm. Tuesday June 16, 2009.

Lanie: You would have been proud of me today.

Mom: Why is that- I mean when aren't I proud of you.

Lanie: You know how we always said be kind to everyone-

Mom: You didn't bring another homeless person home-

Lanie: No. This girl was crying on the train... so I just slipped her my card and wrote on the back. "Even this bad-ass-bitch cries. Feel better."

Mom: Very sweet. Did you tell her not to touch the subway and touch her eyes when she cries... that's how you got pink eye.

Lanie: That didn't come up, no.

Mom: I hope she had some Purell.

Vulgarity and Hilarity

2009-06-12T14:24:00.006-07:00

12:34pm. Friday June 12, 2009.

Lanie: I've been buying fresh flowers every week.

Mom: Very nice- Can you afford that?

Lanie: $5 for a dozen roses.

Mom: Can you afford that?

Lanie: Yes.

Mom: What color?

Lanie: Cream.

Mom: Good. I thought you would have picked red.

Lanie: Come on, I know not to have red roses.

Mom: I think red roses are vulgar.

Lanie: I think they're tacky.

Mom: I think we're bonding.

Boys Boys Everywhere

2009-06-08T07:57:00.006-07:00

11:00pm. Sunday June 7, 2009.

Lanie: I just played kickball... I really like this exercise thing.

Mom: Hi.

Lanie: I had a great weekend...

Mom: Exciting.

Lanie: Mom I met two boys... well met one got reintroduced to another... he used to be not so cute... now he's smoking... I just want to take a bite out of his side-

Mom: Lanie. What's the thing when someone tells too much... you taught me... TMI. Way, way, way too much TMI.

Things I need to Google... and Teaching Mom G-Chat.

2009-06-04T07:54:00.003-07:00

10:30 am. Thursday June 4, 2009.

(On G-chat)

Mom: Lanie Love, I've got to do and do work.

Lanie: Can't you multitask?

Mom: I don't think I can do that with my Job.

Lanie: Are you saying my job isn't important?

Mom: Lanie. No, No, No. Go back to work.

Lanie: No need to throw attitude over G-Chat Mom.

Mom: Platitudes not attitude.

Lanie: I'll Google that.

Craigslist and Vinyl

2009-06-03T05:56:00.004-07:00

7:45 am. Wednesday June 3, 2009.

Lanie: I got new furniture. Two little ottomans to move around when I have company.

Mom: Glad you're entertaining.

Lanie: I got them off Craigslist and when I went to pick them up, the guy was the hottest guy I've seen in months and his apartment was clean.

Mom: You met a guy from Craiglist.

Lanie: No I bought furniture from Craigslist.

Mom: Used furniture?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: Mmmm.

Lanie: It's not upholstered, so it's fine.

Mom: What is it?

Lanie: Vinyl.

Mom: I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Mom and Dad Come to NYC

2009-05-24T20:25:00.003-07:00

9:00am. Sunday, May 24, 2009.

Lanie: Thanks for the dress, Mom.

Mom: Oh, you are so welcome.

Lanie: I love it-

Mom: I know.

Lanie: I think I'll wear it out to dinner with dad.

Mom: Hmm... Well that's fine dear. Just don't tell him it's new.

Lanie: Really Mom?

Mom: I still hide my shopping bags in the laundry room.

Lanie: Oy.

Mom: Look. Your father wants us to look nice, but he has no idea what that costs.

Lanie: How do you get away with this?

Mom: Lanie, I am a self made woman. My husband does not tell me what or when to buy a dress for my daughter.

Lanie: So why do I not tell him again?

Mom: No need to cause undo stress. God only knows the cost of that Shmata would cause a heart attack.

Maid Service

2009-05-08T11:35:00.003-07:00

12:30 pm. Friday May 8, 2009.

Lanie: Hey I wanted to ask you-

Mom: Can't talk. I need to clean before the housekeeper gets here.

Lanie: Of course you do.

Sexual Attraction

2009-05-07T05:40:00.006-07:00

8:12 am. Thursday May 7, 2009.

Lanie: I just saw the sexiest man alive.

Mom: George Clooney?

Lanie: Better, a special ed teacher. He was so cute. All scruffy, and he gave high fives to the kids when the walked into school. It was really sexy.

(silence)

Is that perverse?

Mom: Not at all.

Lanie: I've been into hot dads lately-

Mom: YEEEEEEEESS!!!!

Lanie: Okay.

Mom: Your biological clock! It's not broken! Thank you God, Thank you God, Thank you God.

Lanie: Really early for this, Mom.

A Funny Perspective

2009-05-04T05:20:00.004-07:00

9:01pm. Sunday, May 3, 2009.

Lanie: So I've been thinking a lot about this whole funny thing. Like... I want to be funny. But not like other funny women... I don't want to be nerdy, or self-deprecating or have humor like a boy. I want to be "Lanie" funny and have boys want to date me too.

Mom: Ah.

Lanie: And I hate to say this... but there are very few women that men think are sexy and funny.

Mom: Lucy.

Lanie: Right. But that was a long time ago... and I didn't think people thought she was sexy, did they?

Mom: Red hair always intrigues men.

Lanie: Should I dye my hair then?

(Silence)

Mom: You're better at writing drama anyways.

A Supreme Find: A Retrospective

2009-05-01T11:18:00.004-07:00

1:30pm. Friday, May 1, 2008.

Mom: Guess What!

Lanie: What?

Mom: I met Sandra Day O'Connor.

Lanie: Holy shit.

Mom: Language.

Lanie: Sorry- What did you say to her?

Mom: Told her what an inspiration she was, how I think she is a role model... Oh! And I asked her about the Ascot thing she and Ruth wear.

Lanie: What Ascot thing?

Mom: The lace ones they wear over their robes. She says they have them special made, and gave me the name of the fabric store in New York that makes them.

Lanie: Wow, mom. Glad the first woman Supreme Court Justice could help you out.

Mom: I already placed an order, I got three. You'll need to pick them up and mail them to me ASAP. We have oral argument next week.

Lanie: Okay Judge Mom.

Mom: What shoes would go with my robe, and a lace ascot?

Lanie: You got me.

Professionalism Vs. Professing to read Perez Hilton

2009-04-30T12:06:00.008-07:00

2:45 pm. Thursday, April 30, 2009.

Lanie: Congrats on your professionalism award.

Mom: How'd you know about it?

Lanie: Dad told me.

Mom: Y'all knew?

Lanie: Yeah, but it was a secret.

Mom: Let this be a lesson-

Lanie: Always be professional.

Mom: I was thinking, always look nice when you go some where. You never know when someone might pop up and give you an award.

Lanie: I don't think that would happen to me.

Mom: It's a reason to re-apply lipstick.

Lanie: Congrats Mom.

---

Lanie: I told my work friends about your award. They were really impressed.

Mom: Aw.

Lanie: They concurred that I would never when an award like that.

Mom: Why's that?

Lanie: I read a lot of Perez Hilton at work, Mom.

Mom: Paris Hilton has a blog?

All for Love and Superheroes

2009-04-27T16:25:00.004-07:00

7:29pm. Monday, April 27, 2009.

Lanie: You want believe what I just did.

Mom: What?

Lanie: I jumped in front of a car I thought was about to run over Sophia.

Mom: Are you insane?

Lanie: No. It felt good. I think it's another sign I'm a grown-up. I care about something more than myself.

Mom: Maybe you should save your car stopping abilities for your first child instead of your Puggle.

Lanie: Noted and ignored.

---

Mom: When you were a baby I punched through a window to get you out of a locked car.

Lanie: You are a super hero.

Mom: You weren't all the grateful. When I got you out you wouldn't stop screaming.

Lanie: Sorry about that.

Mom: It was a long time ago.

The Gettysburg Address and other ways to not get Canned

2009-04-24T05:45:00.007-07:00

6:30pm. Thursday April 23, 2009.

Mom: How was work?

Lanie: Eh.

Mom: Are you busy?

Lanie: No.

Mom: What do you do all day?

Lanie: Well today the the suggestion of a coworker, I started to retype famous American speeches over and over again.

Mom: What?

Lanie: I tried the Gettysburg address, then the preamble to the Constitution but only knew about four lines from each.

Mom: Did you write the four lines over and over again?

Lanie: I gave up eventually and settled on writing down all the lyrics from Salt N' Pepas first album.

Mom: Hmmmm.. next time try William Blake.

Objectum Sexuality

2009-04-23T11:41:00.005-07:00

1:34pm. Thursday, April 23, 2009.

Lanie: I've been fantasizing.

Mom: About what?

Lanie: A condo.

Mom: I've heard about this...

Lanie: You have?

Mom: There was this one woman who was in love with the Eiffel Tower.

Lanie: And scene.

Foot Fungus

2009-04-17T06:20:00.007-07:00

8:32 am. Friday, April 17, 2009.

Lanie: Morning.

Mom: Hi.

Lanie: What’s up?

Mom: Eh.

Lanie: Eh what?

Mom: I gave away all my heels.

Lanie: Oh.

Mom: They were just sitting up there and-

Lanie: Some woman at Goodwill is gonna be wearing some killer Manolos.

Mom: I hope so.

Lanie: We can get you some hot flats.

Mom: Of course.

Lanie: I’ll start looking on Ebay.

Mom: No!

Lanie: What?

Mom: Ebay? I’m pretty sure used shoes with foot fungus might not mix well with

chemo.

Lanie: You want me to look somewhere else?

Mom: Yes, but Lane, NEVER EVER pay full price for shoes. Never.

Lanie: Love you.

Mom: Love you too.

Mom on Myspace

2009-04-16T10:17:00.004-07:00

9:00am. Thursday, April 16, 2009.

Mom: I decided to get on Myspace.

Lanie: Okay.

Mom: Well aren't you proud?

Lanie: I'm sure you'll be the next Tila Tequila.

Mom: What is a Tila Tequila?

Lanie: Don't worry about it.

Mom: Ohhhh! I already have one friend. Tom! I don't know him though... Can I be your friend on Myspace?

Lanie: I'm not on Myspace.

Mom: Why not?

Lanie: It's only for child molesters and their victims.

Mom: That's awful.

Lanie: It's true...

Mom: Oooooh! I got another friend request.

Lanie: Yeah?

Mom: Oh my God.

Lanie: What?

Mom: She's naked... and not in the classy way.

Lanie: Told you Myspace was sketchy.

Mom: Do you think my IT people can see this?

Lanie: For sure.

Mom: I need to call them and tell them it was an accident.

Lanie: Let's take it slow with the social networking stuff okay?

Mom: I think this social networking thing is just another way to disseminate pornography.

Lanie: You got it.

Being a Grown-up

2009-04-13T05:12:00.009-07:00

5:45pm. April 13, 2009.

Lanie: I opened a savings account! I'm a grown-up.

Mom: Good for you! How much do you have in it?

Lanie: $20... hmmm...I think I might need that for dinner tonight.

---

Lanie: I'm getting itchy to travel again.

Mom: Whatever you do DO NOT, I REPEAT DO NOT jump on a train to New Mexico.

Lanie: That only happened once.

Mom: One time too many.

About a (Jerk) Boy

2009-04-10T11:52:00.008-07:00

9:00pm. Thursday April 9, 2009.

Lanie: I met a guy.

Mom: Thank God.

Lanie: Not so much.

Mom: What happened?

Lanie: I went to pee at his place.

Mom: You couldn't hold it?

Lanie: I went to pee and saw two hair ties on the door knob.

Mom: Oh.

Lanie: I then asked, "Do you have a girlfriend?" And he replied, "Yes, is that a problem?"

Mom: He shouldn't have answered a question with a question.

Lanie: That's what I thought too.

Pole Dancing without Judgment

2009-04-08T19:51:00.006-07:00

5:36pm. Wednesday, April 8, 2009.

Lanie: I'm taking a pole dancing class...

Mom: What?

Lanie: Pole Dancing.

Mom: Have a good day Lanie. Bye.

---

Lanie: Why'd you hang up so quick?

Mom: I know times are tight... but if you need money... there is no need to become a stripper.

Lanie: Hanging up now.

---

Mom: Why'd you hang up?

Lanie: It's just for fun.

Mom: Pole dancing for fun?

Lanie: There are rules mom... No men, No nudity, No Judgment. It's an exercise class.

Mom: You couldn't take a step class?

---

Lanie: I think you'd like it... it's very "You go Girl."

Mom: Mmmm.

Lanie: And we are learning to love our bodies.

Mom: You know how I love my body? By not rubbing it up against a dirty pole.

Spring in NYC

2009-04-02T13:18:00.007-07:00

3:30pm. April 2, 2009.

Lanie: Hi.

Mom: Is everything alright?

Lanie: Yeah. It's a nice day out so I thought I'd call you.

Mom: What are you doing outside? Aren't you supposed to be in your cubicle? Get back inside and keep your job.

---

Lanie: So the Lubavitch are outside my office.

Mom: Oy.

Lanie: They asked my Chinese friend to join them.

Mom: Join them to do what?

Lanie: Pray I guess. But I mean. He's Chinese. I look more Semitic than him.

Mom: Maybe they're looking for new recruits.

---

Farting at Work

2009-04-01T14:02:00.002-07:00

5:25pm. Wednesday April 1, 2009.

Lanie: So this guy at work snuck up behind me today and scared the shit out of me.

Mom: That’s a bad joke.

Lanie: Yeah, and he scared a fart out of me too.

Mom: You let them know we fart.

Lanie: Who is them?

Mom: Men, Lanie. Men.

Lanie: It was only my boss.

Doggy Day Care

2009-03-30T15:36:00.007-07:00

Photo by the FABULOUS: Codi Wismer with model Sophia- Mimosa-Diablo Bernes

6:00pm. March 30, 2009.

Lanie: Ugh, I'm feeling guilty about leaving Sophia alone in my apartment all day.

Mom: She's a dog.

Lanie: Yeah, dogs get lonely.

Mom: Are you projecting?

---

Lanie: They have doggy day care. Maybe I should just suck it up and pay for it.

Mom: They also have grown-up day care, and you don't have to pay for it. It's called a JOB.

Lanie: Does this mean you think Sophia should get a job?

Mom: No, it means I think you need a second job to pay for doggy day care.

JAP

2009-03-28T13:41:00.000-07:00

Photo Via: Lanie's Camera, Mwotto Uganda 2006

10:30am. Saturday, March 28, 2009.

Lanie: Hey.

Mom: What's the matter?

Lanie: Some hipster called me a JAP last night.

Mom: What's a hipster?

Lanie: Someone in really tight jeans.

Mom: Oh, I'm sorry that happened.

Lanie: Do you think I'm Jappy?

Mom: You lived in a mud hut, in Africa, with bats. You cashed in your JAP card a while ago.

Lanie: Love you.

Mom: Love you too.

Sushi

2009-03-24T18:21:00.000-07:00

Mario Sushi from: www.shinyshiny.tv

9:06 pm. Tuesday March 24, 2009.

Lanie: Guess what!?

Mom: What!?

Lanie: I tried sushi, and I liked it.

Mom: Very nice.

Lanie: I tried something new and I liked it. It means I'm growing up.

Mom: It means you like raw fish wrapped in seaweed and rice.

What's in your fridge?

2009-03-23T05:22:00.000-07:00

Image via: www.popstarplus.com

7:55 am. Monday. March 23, 2009.

Mom: Do you know you have $27 in your bank account?

Lanie: Yeah. It's fine.

Mom: It is?

Lanie: I get paid Friday and I have groceries for the week.

Mom: By Groceries you mean, beer, vodka and leftover Chinese.

Lanie: Well... um... yeah.

Mom: I'll put an extra $20 in your account.

Lanie: Really, I'm okay.

Mom: Go to the Supermarket and buy some whole wheat pasta, and some fresh fruit and chicken.

Lanie: Thanks Mom.

Mom: No carbo loading. You aren't Michael Phelps.

Queens

2009-03-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

Photo from: www.queermusicheritage.us

9:45 am. Sunday. March 22, 2009.

Mom: What did you do last night?

Lanie: Went to Queens.

Mom: Is that a gay club?

Lanie: No, it's an outer borough.

Mom: Oy.

A Growing Tree in NYC

2009-03-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

Picture Via susty.com

8:02pm. Thursday March 19, 2009.

Lanie: There’s this tree outside my balcony. I can see it year round. And it’s pretty cool to watch it. It like hibernates for the winter, but come spring it has these buds, and by summer it’s in full bloom. I sit out there with Sophia at my feet and just kinda stare. And it’s funny because all I can think about is, How the hell does this tree survive in New York City? I’ve been watching it, and it seems to be thriving. I mean it looks like it’s getting bigger and stronger. And all is has is this little patch of dirt and roots under the sidewalk… How does it do it?

Mom: You said that?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: Not exactly first date banter.

Lanie: I guess not.

Dating Advice

2009-03-18T18:21:00.000-07:00

9:03pm. Wednesday, March 18, 2009.

Lanie: Do you ever forget that you’re married?

Mom: Of course not.

Lanie: Why?

Mom: My stretch marks.

---

Lanie: How many guys did you date before dad?

Mom: I'd rather not say.

Lanie: A range.

Mom: 0- 75.

Diamonds

2009-03-17T12:02:00.000-07:00

Necklace by: Hearts on Fire

2pm. Saturday, July 17 2008.

Mom: Hi Honey.

Lanie: What's wrong?

Mom: Well, I'm fine. But I'm kinda in the hospital.

Lanie: Kinda?

Mom: Well for a few-

Lanie: What's wrong?

Mom: Well they found a thing on my back?

Lanie: What?

Mom: More like a cyst really...

Lanie: Okay.

Mom: More like a mass.

Lanie: Mom...

Mom: Really it's a tumor.

Lanie: Oh.

Mom: And... well it's not benign.

Lanie: What does that mean?

Mom: It's malignant.

Lanie: Oh, my God.

Mom: It's cancer.

Lanie: Fuck.

Mom: So I figured you could take off from work for week while we figure this out.

Lanie: I'm on my way.

Mom: And I think I'd like to get you a diamond necklace.

Bras, Panties, and Perky Boobs

2009-03-15T16:31:00.000-07:00

A bra dryer by BraDryer.

7:15 pm. March 15, 2009.

Lanie: Thanks for buying the bras mom.

Mom: You're welcome, sweetie.

Lanie: I think they make my boobs look amazing.

Mom: You get them from me you know.

Lanie: I come from a long line of busty broads.

Mom: Busty, perky broads.

---

Mom: I didn't get you the matching panties because that's what prostitutes wear.

Lanie: I don't really wear matching panties anyways.

Mom: Thank God!

Lanie: You really thought I was a hooker?

Mom: Of course not. But at least I know you aren't having sex on a regualr basis.

Lanie: And you deduced this how?

Mom: I've seen the current state of your underwear drawer, and you might want to rethink the days of the week briefs.

---

Lanie: I'm really glad I got to see you this weekend.

Mom: Me too.

Lanie: It was too short.

Mom: It always is.

Funny

2009-03-10T17:13:00.000-07:00

7:15pm. March 10, 2009.

Mom: I'm concerned about this blog.

Lanie: It's not a big deal...

Mom: I don't say a lot of the things you say I do.

Lanie: It's hyperbole.

Mom: Well... grandma read it.

Lanie: And?

Mom: She doesn't get it.

Lanie: There isn't really anything to get.

Mom: It's suppose to be funny, right?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: Am I the butt of the joke?

Lanie: No.

Mom: Then why is it funny?

Lanie: Because mothers are just hysterical in general.

Shock Value

2009-03-09T16:24:00.000-07:00

5:45pm. March 9, 2009

Lanie: I got new business cards today!

Mom: Very cool.

Lanie: I ordered them.

Mom: Very nice.

Lanie: All they say is "Lane Bernes, bad ass bitch."

Mom: What?

Lanie: Bad ass bitch.

Mom: Why did you-

Lanie: I thought it was funny.

Mom: I don't

Lanie: I figured.

Mom: You have your name, on a card with profanity.

Lanie: They can say bitch on primetime.

Mom: Only on Fox.

Lanie: It's just for my friends.

Mom: What do they need that for?

Lanie: It says my phone number... they'll laugh

Mom: Oh my God.

Lanie: What? What?

Mom: You know someone might misconstrue that card.

Lanie: Oh?

Mom: People might think you're a Dominatrix.

Lanie: Better than them thinking I'm in advertising.

Homeless

2009-03-08T14:29:00.001-07:00

4:30pm. March 8, 2009.

Lanie: I had a weird day today.

Mom: Yes?

Lanie: I met this homeless girl in the park-

Mom: Is she sleeping on your floor?

Lanie: No, I didn't bring her-

Mom: Did you think about it?

Lanie: What?

Mom: Inviting her into your apartment.

Lanie: Only for a second.

Silence on the phone.

Mom: I would have thought about it too.

---

What ya doin?

2009-03-03T19:48:00.000-07:00

9pm. March 3, 2009.

Mom: What ya doin?

Lanie: Watching Family Guy.

Mom: Isn't that a cartoon?

Lanie: Modern satire, Mom.

Mom: Moliere is satire.

Lanie: So is Stewie Griffin.

Mom: I don't see how calling a doctor 'Dr. Jewish' is satire.

---

Lanie: I started writing a blog.

Mom: Great.

Lanie: I felt like I needed to tell you, because some of it is about you.

Mom: How much of it?

Lanie: All of it.

Mom: Will it make you money?

Lanie: Possibly.

Mom: Are you getting paid to Blog?

Lanie: Not yet.

Mom: So basically I'm going to be helping you with your rent until your 30.

Lanie: 29?

Sunday Night Supper Club

2009-03-02T18:41:00.000-07:00

The Morning After, John Hardy

7:30 am. March 2, 2009

Mom: How do you get to work in the snow?

Lanie: Like I do everyday. Walk to the subway.

Mom: Isn't that cold?

Lanie: Freezing.

Mom: I'll talk to your father about that.

Lanie: About what?

Mom: Maybe we can have an emergency snow fund for you.

Lanie: For what?

Mom: Taxis.

Lanie: I'm down for that.

---

Mom: How was your Sunday Night Supper Club?

Lanie: Really nice.

Mom: What did you cook?

Lanie: Chicken Marsala, caserole, and pasta.

Mom: Mmmmm.

Lanie: What?

Mom: I just think it's odd that a Jewish-southern girl can only cook Italian food.

---

Mom: Did you drink?

Lanie: Yeah.

Mom: A lot?

Lanie: More than the usual Sunday night.

Mom: Did you change into your Pajamas Lanie?

Lanie: Only at the very end.

Mom: I can't tell you how inappropriate that is.

Lanie: And I had to use paper plates and plastic cutlery!

Mom: That's another thing we need to talk to your father about.

---

Mom: Did they like your painting?

Lanie: Eh.

Mom: Well how nude is the nude?

Lanie: Pretty nude.

Mom: You can put it in the bathroom then.

Lanie: I think it offended Melissa.

Mom: Is the woman in the painting French?

Lanie: I dunno.

Mom: Because if she's French it's okay she's naked.

Lanie: The artist is French...

Mom: Is it full frontal?

Lanie: Yup.

Mom: Can you see her...

Lanie: Yup.

Mom: Does she have...

Lanie: You lost me.

Mom: Hair down...

Lanie: Yeah, I think that's what offended Melissa.

Mom: Pubic hair is always offensive.